Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
