I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
