Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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