it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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