Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
