I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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