my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
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I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
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Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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