Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
