i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
