That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
