Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
