Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
