i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
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