I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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