Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize