My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
