1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
