God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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