You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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