We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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