My hand turned me down
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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