I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
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Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
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Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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