3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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