I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
someone owes me an orgasm
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
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