If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
