worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
