yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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