Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
