You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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