hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
