I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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