shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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