wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Randomize
