dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
