I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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