What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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