My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
