were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
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