I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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