That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
