Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Vodka?
Forever.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
