Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
