She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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