Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
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