OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
