I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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