Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
