my phone needs a breathalizer
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
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