Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
