I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
This is my gift to your gina
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
