Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
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