I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
