I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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