She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
