I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
